Our relationships with other people are fundamental to our lives. Even if we have drawn away from other people because we feel we need to protect ourselves, due to past hurts, in truth we are “interacting” with others….. by not interacting!

All of human life – all of life, actually! – revolves around relationships, and today we also know that connection with others is even more important to our survival than food. (Check out this video that describes the understandings we have come to over these last decades thanks to John Bowlby’s and Susan Ainsworth’s work that is now known as attachment theory).

The ways we connect with others are profoundly influenced by what our interactions were like in our early lives, with parents, caregivers, siblings, teachers, etc. – but most significantly by our parents and families. 

Even in the best case scenarios we can have experienced some level of trauma that has made if difficult for us to feel safe with others, and this can profoundly impact who we choose to partner with and generally interact with, later on in our lives. 

And, since connection with others remains a fundamental human need, when we are struggling with creating the kinds of relationships we long for, it can be very painful.

In a word, relationships and the challenges they pose are often the most pressing for us and the most confusing!

For this reason, if you are:

– struggling within your couple relationship, or are wanting to develop one but are having trouble getting or remaining connected with that special someone;

– are experiencing complex dynamics with your family members that seem almost impossible to resolve;

– find yourselves often in situations that are conflictual and less than satisfying within the context of your professional sphere;

– find friendships and interactions with colleagues and creative partners difficult to navigate

or any other kind of recurring difficulty in your interactions with other people, getting help understanding the origins of your own struggles and learning new ways of seeing yourself and your interactions can bring not only relief, but can also propel you towards new levels of wellbeing and growth in every area of your life.

Martha’s holistic approach will help you – as well as your partner or family/group members, should you decided to do couples or family/group counseling – understand the underlying reasons you may have difficulty connecting with others, and what you can do today to change those old ways of thinking, acting, and interacting.

Slowly but surely, with patience and practice, you can shift out of old, frustrating and painful patterns, and begin to experience the connection and fulfillment you long for in your relationships.

You will begin to understand that even the challenges in your relationships are actually wonderful opportunities for important healing and growth for yourself, your partner, family members, and all those you come in contact with. This is also an important contribution to the betterment of our societies, the world we live and work in, as healthy, fulfilling relationships within the private sphere contribute in positive ways to the towns, cities and countries we live in. 

As you learn new, more compassionate and caring ways of seeing yourself and your struggles in your relationships, you will begin to realize that oftentimes neither you nor your partner or family members are “wrong” or “flawed”. It means that both you and the others in your life are following old scripts that were learned long ago in your lives, but no longer serve you today …. and these scripts can be changed!

This is part of the human evolutionary journey, that requires a decision to shift out of the relationship models we have inherited, and be willing to change them.

First, we need to discover what these scripts are, so we can change them, and this requires time and effort and the courage to go into the kind of pain we are carrying – oftentimes intergenerational trauma – and develop a completely new way of seeing ourselves, others, and the world.

We often come up against the fear that we are somehow dishonoring our parents or families if we challenge how we were raised, and change the models they gave us (old loyalties). This can keep many people stuck in the mindsets and patterns that humanity has been following for millennia – and which most definitely do not help us develop the kind of life that we want for ourselves, our children, and our neighbors.

Instead, we need to understand that by challenging these old models, by looking at the truth of what happened in our lives, and what we are actually wanting and needing today to become the people we wish to become, we are contributing to a wonderful process of human evolution. From blindly following the old models of vicious competition and violent domination over each other that have been part of the human story for longer than we can remember, we can choose to move towards new visions, of collaboration, mutual respect and love, despite our differences – and this begins in our most basic interactions, beginning in our intimate relationships, our homes and families.

It does take work, and the courage to change. But the results are more than worth the time and effort and money you will invest in this journey.

As each partner or person in the relationship begins to see their own “true self” – all the thoughts, dreams, desires and sensitivities that have been buried for so long – and bring them to light, new levels of collaboration and connection can blossom.

Becoming authentic and whole within ourselves allows us to love without losing ourselves and putting others’ needs before our own, and to receive love without feeling guilty or entitled to dominate the other.

We slowly find our unique place in life and can choose friends, partners, work situations and family interactions that nurture our deepest aspirations.

We also learn to set healthy boundaries, and understand when we need to accept responsibility for our own behaviors and make changes that can improve the relationship, and when instead it is time to stop investing so much time and energy in situations that are clearly not going anywhere.

In any relationship – be it with family members, intimate partners, friends, colleagues or other kinds of connections, it is an exchange.

Each person must be willing to assume 50% of the responsibility for the quality of the relationship, and when the other person or people involved are not willing to invest the kind of energy and commitment that you are, in building a healthy, mutually supportive interaction, sometimes we need to let go and move on. 

And as we learn that our first duty is to taking full ownership of our own lives, we can begin to experience ways of interacting with others that we previously did not know were even possible.

It is a journey that has a beginning, but no end, and it can fuel every other aspect of our lives.

All Martha’s work is informed by not only her education and training and work with others: it is fueled by her personal experience. and while she knows well how hard it can be to work through very damaging and painful old family patterns, she also knows the incredible beauty and freedom and new strength that comes from working to change them.

If this feels like something you want to experience for yourself, get in touch with Martha today for a free 15 minute chat, to see whether individual, couples or family/group counseling could be the best solution for you at this time.

Remember: you are the most important person in your life, and as you love and honor and care for yourself and your needs, you inspire others to do the same for themselves!