The Double Spiral in Psychological and Spiritual Healing and Resilience

by Martha | Feb 15, 2026 | Life as a Gift and a Work of Art, Blog, Existential Personalistic Anthropology, Family, Holistic Counseling and Coaching, Love, Psychology, Self-Love and Self-Care, Tools

I have been thinking a lot about the symbol I chose for my new logo – the Double Spiral.

Symbols have been used by humans for millennia to elicit associations within our minds that then trigger thoughts, feelings and even actions.

Today the double spiral might not be as familiar to us as other symbols, such as religious ones like the cross for Christianity, or the 6 pointed star for Judaism, or – to use a modern symbol well known throughout the world, the golden arches of a fast food chain that tells us many things about modern culture (i.e. the speed that food can be prepared and served is more important than the quality of the food itself, etc.).

Nonetheless, although you may have never really noticed it before, the double spiral is an incredibly ancient symbol, and has been used by various cultures throughout the world through the millennia to inspire reflection on the continuous flow of opposites that we experience in our lives: day and night/light and darkness, life and death, the masculine principle and the feminine principle, what we experience inside ourselves and what instead we perceive coming from outside ourselves, etc. etc..

Sometimes it is shown lying horizontally, symbolizing the rising and setting of the sun, and thus the constant flow of life from day, to night, or from the birth of life to the end of it.

When it is instead depicted as in my logo, with its spiraling arms reaching up and down, it elicits a more psychological and spiritual idea of

the deeper we go in understanding our own inner selves, the roots of our lives in our experiential histories and realities, the higher we can go in our ability to experience the truth of life and the joy and “enlightenment” – literally reaching the light – that brings.

In other words, it urges us to remember that when we dig deep into the causes that lie behind our current experience of the world, good or bad, we become free and energized to experience the upward motion of the spiral, towards the light.

In essence, this simple symbol is telling us:

The deeper we dive into our darkness – the painful memories of past traumas, harms and hurts received that continue to drive our reactions in the present; the unaddressed mistakes and weaknesses we have shown; our repressed and often misplaced guilt and shame for our desires and dreams we were taught were wrong; the unprocessed anger and rage that we rightly felt as helpless children when we were harmed by our caregivers or by life itself, and that must be acknowledged and released in healthy ways because otherwise it poisons us – the more enlightened we can become.

The more we journey into our depths so we can embrace and heal the pain that lies hidden there, the freer we become to experience the Beauty of Life.

And not only does it remind us that the deeper we go, the higher we go; it also reminds us that this movement is constant, and does not necessarily happen at the same time. It requires that each movement is experienced separately.

We dive down: we are brought into feelings of pain, depression, despair, anger and rage, etc. by events in life or by our memories. We are flooded with all those difficult emotions; we are sometimes quite literally dragged through their “mud”.

But if we find the courage and the right kind of guidance, we can wade through it and gain important insights along the way. We can find new energy to make new choices and move back up towards the light. We can let go of our addictive patterns that keep us enslaved to unhealthy ways of thinking and acting, to toxic relationships, and all the other ways that the pain of our past continues to play out in our present.

And we move upward, toward the light of new understanding, new levels of love for ourselves, of responsibility and freedom and even joy.

Until the next time we need to dive back down, to release a bit more of our painful histories, or even some of the ancestral trauma we carry within our own hearts and minds. As we do so, the pain can still be great: the deeper we go, the deeper the pain can actually be.

But, the more adept we become at diving into old pain or even the new pain that can come through the kinds of losses and challenges we face in our current lives, the better we get at working through it, and deciding to use this complex energy to make new decisions, to create something new, to rise back up, within ourselves, towards the light.

This is a fine Art; it is the Art of transforming our pain into new life, our failures into new decisions, our traumas into new abilities to love ourselves and others in healthier, more evolved and enlightened ways.

And as we learn this delicate, difficult and yet incredibly inspiring Existential Art of dancing along the double spiral, we create our own Lives as a Work of Art. We become living examples of Life in how it transforms itself and how love and new, enlivened energies can truly be born from the deepest pits of desperation, destruction and despair.

I first learned about this symbol during a supervision I was doing with Antonio Mercurio. I was feeling a lot of despair for how hard it still was for me sometimes, even after decades of very intensive work on myself, to feel any kind of consistent levity of spirit. I was still often on the verge of despair, struggling inside myself to feel any real love for myself or my life. The pain of my early abandonment was still affecting me in many different ways, and it seemed as though my inability to “just get over it” was a clear indication of a failure on my part.

Antonio, instead, assured me that this was not the case. That if I was feeling that much pain, there were still lessons to be learned for it, that I simply was being invited to continue to dive in, and build those internal “muscles” I needed to be able to feel it all, and slowly release it. That if I had suffered so terribly, it meant that I was sensitive, not stupid, and that today my task was to be able to embrace these wounded parts of myself and love them back to health.

And then he told me about the Double Spiral, that he himself had learned about while reading Reinhold Niebuhr, and that had also helped him in his own journey, which was equally challenging, as he, too, was often drawn in very deeply and invited by his Self to clear out every little speck of fear, anger, lack of trust towards life, resentment and hatred and all the rest.

He encouraged me to spend some time and perhaps draw or paint this symbol, and he reminded me that I was not alone in my journey.

I indeed sat down right away after my session, and attempted to create an image that could express this concept of a double spiral where one arm reached down into the pits of my pain, and the other instead circled upwards, towards ever-higher and lighter feelings of freedom, creativity, presence and love. Those early attempts were pretty rudimentary and certainly nothing to show others, but they had a cathartic effect on me.

Sometime later, I found out that Niebuhr not only talked about the double spiral, but that he was also attributed with writing the Serenity Prayer, used widely first in Alcoholics Anonymous, and later in all the 12 step programs that followed in its footsteps. Today, the Serenity Prayer is something that many people here in the USA know about, even if they don’t know the actual prayer itself.

As a recovering person myself, I already knew the Serenity Prayer by heart, and for years I had considered it, and the 12 step approach, the second “pillar” of my own personal healing and evolution, along with the first which was my journey in Existential Personalistic and Cosmoartistic Anthropology.

I consider my path in EPA, in fact, the doorway that made it possible for me to not only develop myself professionally and become a counselor in that method as well as a licensed psychologist: perhaps most importantly, it opened my eyes, my heart and my mind to the reality of the spiritual dimension, and to the opportunity to develop this part of my Self without necessarily having to adhere to any kind of religion.

It helped me begin to open to broader concepts of “god” beyond those I had been raised with and that I had rejected many years before, which in turn allowed me to open up to the 12 step approach, and finally achieve lasting release from various ways my compulsive disorder had “disordered” me throughout my life.

These two pillars, in fact, along with then many other techniques that I have picked up along the way, continue to guide me as I go through my life, through the constant cycles of dipping down into the darkness of my personal and ancestral and even the collective history of humanity, to then lift back up into new levels of inspiration, love of myself of others and of life, of an increasing ability to receive the goodness and beauty that is also here, and to use the entirety of my journey as a service to the whole.

May you also find the strength and courage that you need to dive deep and embrace your wounds with loving compassion, so you can then rise back into your life with increasing confidence and wholeness.

It is not an easy journey, I know well – but undertaking a journey with the help and guidance of others who are doing it themselves, and who have also devoted considerable time, energy and money to learn how to help others, is truly an incredible experience.

That is what I decided to do, back in January of 1990 …. and since that moment, my life has taken a completely different trajectory than it would have otherwise.

I chose to heed the call of my soul to dive in deep…. and while the effort required to become truly Alive, no longer medicating myself or running from the pain in other ways, has sometimes felt daunting and impossible, it has brought me to a quality of life – both inner and outer – that I would have never dreamed possible.

Yes, it might mean feeling some pain sometimes, still …. and even feeling hopeless; when I am down in that lower spiral, it can still sometimes feel endlessly dark, lonely, and without any real purpose.

But with practice, I have learned that every dip “down” truly is followed by insights that then allow me to make new choices and move back up to the ascending spiral, and reach ever greater integration, awareness, agency and creativity. Joy.

It does take effort, and today I now know without any doubt that no one can do this work but me. We are each called to embrace our own lives, our own souls, and choose what we are going to do.

Every day we have a choice:

are we going to choose despair and hopelessness, or entrust ourselves completely to the beliefs and whims of others?

Even well meaning family, friends, medical professionals or even apps designed to rewire our brains cannot do the inner work for us. (And while yes, our brains need to be rewired and there is no question that using apps can help us “reprogram” ourselves, they can not give us the love we desperately need, that we can only receive from other beings that are alive and can engage in emotionally energized exchanges with us).

Or are we going to dive in, and choose to take new action and connect with others who can help us learn how to love ourselves, our lives, and Life itself in new, more life-enhancing ways – not because they are telling us what to do out of text-book learning (even though the learning is valid and important – but alone it is not infused with the emotional value of experience, which develops empathy and compassion), but because they know what the journey is like?

There are many ways we can choose Life over remaining stuck and suffering. Today, thanks to the many developments in psychological and spiritual understandings, informed also (but not replaced by) the incredible technological advances we are benefitting from, we have all kinds of philosophies, therapeutic approaches, practitioners and options to choose from.

For me, the one that has always excited me the most, and has offered a foundation for my own personal and professional growth even while exploring many other fascinating and helpful techniques (such as Family Constellations and Evolutionary/Transformational Astrology and Human Design), is Antonio Mercurio’s ideas around Life as a Work of Art (the link will take you to a page describing my new workshop – check it out, it might be a great way to start your journey), and if you have found my site, welcome.

I hope you find some inspiration and if you are looking for guidance and support I am more than happy to explore if working together could be a good fit.

Contact me to set up a free 15 minute chat, or you are also welcome to send me an email with any questions you may have. I always answer my emails, and usually manage to find time for sessions quite quickly, within a couple/few weeks at most. I look forward to hearing from you, and in any case wish you the very best in your own journey of healing, self discovery and unfoldment.

Life is Beautiful, and it is waiting for you.

Existential Creativity and Mindfulness

by Martha | Jan 28, 2026 | Holistic Counseling and Coaching, Existential Personalistic Anthropology, Groups and Workshops, Life as a Gift and a Work of Art, Parenting, Psychology, Self-Love and Self-Care

We are becoming ever more aware of how our inner lives and our mental health, often negatively programmed by our childhood experiences, affect our outer lives – and viceversa – and how we can improve them both by developing our existential creativity through holistic therapeutic approaches and mindfulness practices.

Over the last couple centuries, humanity has become ever more acutely aware of the importance of what happens in our early years. When we are children, we are like sponges, absorbing all kinds of information coming from both the external environment – our parents/caregivers, families, social environments, etc. – and from our inner selves – the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that we experience in our own minds and bodies.

The human journey is a complex and fascinating one, perhaps especially because each of us has an incredibly unique experience of it. Even though there are many things that we have in common with others, there is no “one size fits all” human experience.

This means that two children who grow up in the same home can have very different perceptions and experiences of that family, both because of how they are perceived by the others, and how they themselves experience and perceive their family members.

Whereas the current medical/psychological paradigm would like to be able to reduce all of our inner suffering to neurological processes, and thus easily solve our problems with pills, a holistic attitude goes beyond the purely physiological reality of our lives, and looks at the broader picture.

(Added note: It sounds like there is a big change coming in the general mindset around what mental illness actually is and how to treat it: I just heard today – January 29 , 2026 – that the newly revised edition of the DSM, the diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals and insurance companies to diagnose mental illnesses and establish treatment protocols, will include information on the potential causes of the various diagnoses described, including environmental ones such as family/cultural/socioeconomic environment and physical, psychological and emotional trauma. While there is no question that it is not easy to understand the causes behind the various types of suffering people can experience, there is also no question that to completely ignore the effects of childhood trauma and other environmental factors that clearly have lasting, and often extremely debilitating, effects, is absurd. But that is what mainstream mental health approaches have been doing for decades, which has only reinforced an incredibly myopic view of how we consider mental health, and of general wellness of our complex makeup which is an integrated reality of mental/emotional, physiological, existential/spiritual and environmental factors. Taking into account each of these factors is fundamental if we are to understand how to truly improve our overall health and ability to enjoy the experience of being alive. What a relief that finally the mainstream healthcare community here in the USA is beginning to change, and embrace the wisdom that those of us in the alternative and holistic healthcare sectors have been championing for decades!)

There is no question that when we are under emotional and even physical stress and pressure our brain chemistry can end up being altered, and cause us immense suffering, added onto the pain we experienced during the traumatic experiences themselves. All of this can become a vicious cycle, where our wounds from the past continue to live in the present, due to our own inner mechanisms that were originally designed to help us get through the trauma, but eventually keep us trapped within it.

This can happen at any time during our lifespan, although during childhood we are particularly malleable and vulnerable to the effects of stress, and the effects often don’t show up until much later (check out some of the emerging wisdom around CPTSD for more info on this: I find it fascinating that even just over these past couple years more and more healthcare practitioners are getting on board with the recognition that many mental health issues can be attributed to being exposed to traumatic experiences over time during childhood, and even the NHS has now published a “PTSD and CPTSD Self-Help Guide” , something unheard of even just a few years ago!).

But what are the solutions? It is actually pretty incredible to think that today, 128 years since the publication of Freud’s “Interpretation of Dreams”, which opened the door to an entirely new way of looking at the incredibly complex inner life of human beings, we have a vast “toolbox” that we can turn to, when we are trying to understand why we are suffering and what to do about it.

We often focus on the incredible technological discoveries humanity has made in these 130 years that have completely transformed how we live (the train-automobile-jet-spaceship, the radio-television-internet and now AI, etc. etc.); at the same time, there has been an incredible revolution regarding how we see our possibilities and limitations as human beings, within ourselves.

At the same time Freud was exploring his unconscious and opening the door to the inner life in the West, other kinds of inner explorers were creating new syntheses between Eastern and Western religious thought and experience. During the 20th century not only did the development of psychology, psychotherapy and neuroscience bring us tools for self-understanding and development that we could not have imagined earlier, but the merging of Eastern philosophies with Western ones brought about new ways of considering not only our own inner lives, but our connection to the greater life beyond our individual selves.

This emerging synthesis has brought about, for example, the practice of “Mindfulness”; the awareness that meditation and guided visualization, even when detached from any kind of religious dogma, are things we can learn to do that greatly enhance first of all the functioning of our brains, which then can lead to new decisions that bring us to better outcomes in our personal and professional lives, relationships and all the rest. More and more researchers and practitioners across many disciplines are delving into this increasing awareness, and offering up new “proofs” for insights that have been present within some religious traditions for millennia, and are just now reaching a more mainstream kind of recognition, across the globe. (One of the pioneering researchers in this area is Prof Richard Davidson at the University of Madison – go here to listen to an interesting talk that he gave on the Neuroscience of Mindfulness https://youtu.be/5pEw53YjsQA?si=5v_fMTTuHT3eFHMp).

One of the most important findings that Professor Davidson points out is that we can learn to increase our wellbeing, and that indeed, if we learn tools that will help us and practice them, over time our wellbeing increases.

This idea dovetails perfectly with the idea of Life as a Work of Art as conceived of by Antonio Mercurio, and which is at the basis of my holistic LifeArt counseling and coaching approach. This approach affirms that while we may come out of highly traumatic experiences, environments and situations that have left deep wounds within our psyches and our souls, and these wounds most definitely leave their marks on us, we do have the power to choose to learn new ways of thinking, acting and Being that will help us move into both feeling and living better, over time.

Any Art takes practice, and healing from our deep conditioning, that can be truly debilitating sometimes, and show up in persistent depression, anxiety and all kinds of problems, does often require that we look at many different types of support to get to a place where we can become increasingly autonomous and skilled in how we gradually learn how to give ourselves the love we so sorely lack. It is often a long, lifelong process.

But if we can embrace this process as an evolutionary journey, rather than as a kind of condemnation from an unjust universe, we can see that we are actually taking part in an incredible shift in the consciousness of humanity. Whereas even only a few decades ago we had few options at our disposal if we were suffering internally, today we have a vast array of practitioners, theories, techniques and approaches to help us along. Not only do we need to remain shuttered within our pain, feeling ashamed for our suffering, but we can find incredible opportunities for connection and reconnection with others who are also looking for – and finding – new ways not only of healing our early traumas, but of developing healthier, more vibrant and sustainable lives for ourselves, our children, and the opening the door for the generations to come.

Every time we make a decision to do something new, to face our pain with more loving kindness, getting some help in overcoming old patterns of thinking and acting that sometimes have been transmitted to us through the generations (check out my page on Family Constellations work for some insights on intergenerational conditioning), we are being existentially creative.

The term “existential” comes from the idea that our lives have meaning, but that it is up to us choose the meaning we want to give to it. We actually do have that freedom today, and as the great existentialist philosopher Sartre pointed out, this kind of freedom itself brings with it a certain kind of anguish.

But if we are brave enough to recognize that we actually do have this kind of freedom, however small it may feel to us, due to our circumstances and the kind of familial and/or cultural conditioning we may have been subjected to in the course of our lives, we also can soon discover that while many of our choices seem small indeed, each one we make that brings us more towards love of ourselves and others, rather than towards desperation, or resignation, or outright destructive judgment and abuse, helps us practice wellbeing, wellness and love.

For example, every time we manage to choose to notice when we are berating ourselves over a mistake we have made, and shift that inner voice to instead be kind and supportive; or every time we manage to see that after a disappointment we are attacking our spouse, rather than sitting with the pain of it, and stop before we do so, we are exercising our existential creativity. We are doing something new. We are practicing new ways of both connecting with our inner selves, that can lead us to new ways of interacting with others.

Becoming masters of our own lives is not something that happens over night, and even if we were raised in ideal families and circumstances, life has a way of throwing challenges and pain at us, that we are all called to address, sooner or later.

Rather than seeing these challenges as punishments, and seeing ourselves as helpless victims or martyrs, or feeling we have to instead figure out how to wield even more power over ourselves and others in an attempt to control everything, we can shift into a completely new way of seeing ourselves and life: as existentially creative beings, who can make new choices and even create great love and harmony out of our painful, and sometimes completely loveless, beginnings.

We can become Artists of life, and experience new ways of being, of interacting, of creating beauty, wellbeing and even prosperity for ourselves and others.

The old model of control and dominance is no longer necessary for our survival.

There is enough love and prosperity for everyone, and by learning how to develop our own ability to create the life we are longing for, we are contributing to the birth of a new human era.

Starting in February, I will be offering a workshop series, Life as a Work of Art Laboratories, where together we will explore a variety of tools to help us along in developing our own wellbeing, in alignment with the deeper purposes of life, and in awareness of how our own increased inner harmony and connectedness can contribute to the wellbeing of those around us. I hope to see you there, and if you have any questions about it, please feel free to contact me today for a free chat.

New Year, New Lens! Here’s to 2026 🌟

by Martha | Dec 30, 2025 | Holistic Counseling and Coaching, Blog, Existential Personalistic Anthropology, Groups and Workshops, Life as a Gift and a Work of Art, Love, Psychology, Self-Love and Self-Care, Services

Hello Friends!

As we step into 2026, I wanted to share with you a new way of looking at life and the many challenges we can often be faced with, both individually and on a collective level, and that can be of great help in these tumultuous, difficult and yet exciting times of rapid change.

I hope that with the dawning of a new year you will find new energy and inspiration to bring a deeper love and appreciation for your own self and your life, so you can share your unique gifts and talents with others with increasing confidence, satisfaction, and enjoyment: my new workshops, based on these ideas, are being offered with this goal in mind, and I am looking forward to sharing them with you!

Life as a Gift and a Work of Art.

What does this mean, exactly?

It is not so much a therapeutic technique as a way of thinking and seeing the trauma we carry, and the accomplishments and challenges that are present in our lives from the moment of our conception onward, through a brand new lens.

All kinds of tools and techniques can be used to help us develop this kind of Artistry, from more traditional talk therapy to the most avant-garde energy techniques becoming more and more popular over time. What is important is to define what it actually means to become an Artist of our Life, and why we might want to do so.

First developed by Antonio Mercurio, the founder of Existential Personalistic and Cosmoartistic Anthropology, it is a holistic way of seeing our human experience, and while it fully honors and recognizes the kind of profound discomfort and disorientation we can experience when we are faced with pain and loss, it also encourages us to see these traumas not so much as condemnations or punishments, but as potential motors for new ways of Being, Seeing, Experiencing, and thus Creating new ways of Living.

It encourages us to embrace even the most difficult past or present traumas and struggles as important parts of our story, as often they are the motors that help us find the strength and courage to change not only how we see and care for ourselves, but how we see the world, and how we truly want to live in it. As we turn to address those inner and outer obstacles that bring us dissatisfaction and trouble and manage to overcome them, we not only live better ourselves, but we create a powerful, transformational energy. This energy is such that it can not only help us continue to heal and grow, heal and grow as we face the various challenges that come up in every life, but, like great works of Art that we may admire in the galleries of the world, it sparks inspiration to create such Beauty in others as well.

The beauty we are talking about here is not the aesthetic beauty normally ascribed to material things; it is an inner beauty that transforms pain into love, fear into new dreams, and opens in the most wounded of souls to new possibilities.

Just as an artist uses many different colors to create a powerful painting, so, too, can we learn to combine the many elements of our lives, including the painful ones, to create a new sense of ourselves and, sometimes, an entirely new direction in our lives.

By shifting our inner attitudes from those of feeling that we are powerless victims of circumstance – which can be very difficult when we come from family and/or societal and cultural situations that are abusive, dysfunctional and deny us basic rights – to realizing that we can learn to love ourselves and our lives, and improve our circumstances through that love and through acts of existential creativity, we can build something entirely new out.

When we choose to do so, we are activating our Inner Artist and becoming actively engaged in affirming the deepest goals of our Higher Self .

The Inner Artist is that part of ourselves that expresses our basic freedom to choose to either move towards love of ourselves and our unique life purpose – our True Self – or instead move away from it. When we move towards our life purpose we feel more fulfilled and whole; when instead we move away from it, we feel empty, conflicted, and full of all kinds of problems. This does not mean that we make one giant leap and become either completely One with our Higher Self, or completely disconnected from it. Although some people may experience such extreme moments of inner choice making and never change again, most of us are on a journey that begins the moment we are conceived, and ends the moment we die. We are offered many choices to experience both types of movements, and with every step forward, or back, we learn something new about ourselves and our lives and about Life itself, as well.

And sometimes we are blocked from moving towards our life purpose by difficult external circumstances. If our parents / caregivers in early life, families and societies are unable to offer us the kind of nurturing and support we need to feel in touch with our own Self and our own deeper value and meaning as a human being, it can be extremely difficult to feel the kind of freedom and confidence we need to do so.

We can also be also be inhibited by types of loyalties and expectations that pull us away from our Selves to make others in our life happy, or to keep the peace, but the cost in our mental, emotional and even physical health can be high.

Whatever the case may be, the Authentic or True Self, even when deeply buried within us beneath layers of denial and repression, never goes away. Often it takes time for us to be able to truly hear its call and even more time to listen to it. It is a common experience that something happens in the course of our life – a loss, an illness, a divorce, a deep personal crisis of some sort – that forces us to stop and pay attention. The pain of denying our inner truths becomes greater than the fear of listening, and in those moments, we open our minds and hearts, and begin an entirely new journey.

The Inner Artist is always there, and we can tap into its energy at any time, although we often need to learn how to do so in ways that feel right to us, and that can truly lead us towards the purpose contained in our True Self, rather than remain stuck in our past conditioning that suffocates that purpose, or even actively oppose it.

The thing about learning how to access our Inner Artist is that there is no set manual to do so. The manual for our “best life”, along with our ability to truly love ourselves and our lives in respectful connection with others and with Life itself, is written within us, not within anyone else.

For this reason, it is a journey that only we can undertake for ourselves. We need help to do so, because none of us, just like no other life form, grows or changes in a vacuum. We are here to spark growth in each other, and to cheer each other on in an increasingly give and take movement.

But in ultimate analysis, only we can make the choices that lead us towards a loving expression of our unique being, or away from it.

And often the journey is one step forward, and two steps back! It is not an “art” that we learn once. It is an art that we must become willing to practice, to the best of our ability, day after day, accepting that some days we will be more effective than others… but that every day that we try, is a good day.

As we learn this complex and delicate art and tune into our Selves while tuning out the effects of our wounding and conditioning, we become ever more capable of expressing what it is that we are here to express.

This does not mean that we have to be actual “artists” in our daily lives. Whether or not we engage in the “arts” per se, music, painting, dance, etc., or not, we are innately creative, because Life itself is creative, and we are a part of life.

We may be mothers, or fathers, or farmers, or teachers, or CEOs, or scientists; religious people, doctors, lawyers, mechanics, gardeners or not yet clear about anything we are or want to be or do; we may want to live in the woods by ourselves, or feel engaged and important within the hustle of a large metropolis. We may engage in many activities, or few; have many friends and family members, or choose to be alone; be ambitious and driven towards forms of material and societal success and recognition, or satisfied with a simple life.

Each of us is unique, and how we feel most in tune with ourselves and purposeful in our own journey is … well, sacred, and valid, because each life, thus each and every one of us, is sacred and valid.

But often times we don’t know this, because negative voices from our past are louder than the whispers of our Self … and our lack of connection with our inherent worth and our true purpose creates rifts within ourselves and in our interactions with others and the outside world that bring immense confusion, pain, and inner and outer conflict.

When instead we choose to tune into our Inner Artist and affirm the purpose contained within our Personal, Higher Self, we can become capable of making decisions based on love for ourselves and others – an ability to enhance Life in all its forms. And not only does our life begin to evolve in ways that we never dreamed possible, but our own increasing liberation, freedom, and ability to truly enjoy our lives inspires others to make the same effort.

But as I mentioned above, although the Inner Artist is ever-present, as is the Self, learning how to hone our Existential Artistry and actually follow the guidance we receive does often require some deliberate effort and intentional focus on our part. Even the most fortunate among us can be called to higher levels of Self expression, which require new ways of thinking, feeling, and acting in the world.

And just as people with natural artistic talent need to be willing to learn specific techniques and skills so they can best express their gifts, if we want to become expert Artists of our Lives, we, too need to learn new ways of seeing ourselves, our traumas and struggles, our conditioning and our free decisions whether they be Self-affirming, or Self-denying.

We need to become willing look at what the painful experiences we encounter can mean for us, and change our thinking and sometimes even our ways of living to embrace a more enlivened, holistic and engaged way of being.

It does not mean that when we do so we will become perfect, or that we will no longer encounter obstacles; it does not guarantee a quick fix for our inner pain or an automatic solution to the complex and difficult experiences life brings to our door.

Life itself is constantly changing, and we are called to go along with it, even when doing so means letting go of ideas, people, ways of being and thinking that we believed were “forever”.

This new paradigm of Life as a Gift and a Work of Art is not only a new way of seeing and experiencing the world for ourselves and how we can collaborate and connect with others that is not only nurturing and healing, but it is an antidote for the kinds of anxieties that times such as the one we are all living in, during a major evolutionary push. As such, it is not only a huge help, but it is truly exciting!

But how, you may ask, do we embrace this new paradigm, and apply it to our day to day lives?

In the workshops I will be offering in 2026- so far three, on February 21, April 18, and June 20 2026, from 10:30 am to 12:00 pm – we will explore a variety of simple but effective tools and techniques to help you begin to see your own Life as a Work of Art. We will start out by assessing where we are now in our journeys, and from there move on to exploring what we would like to bring into our lives or what we would like to change, and, lastly, some ideas on how we can begin to get there in a more determined, and supported, way.

Join me on February 21 at 10:30 am – either in person in Oconomowoc (405 E Forest St), or on line – for the first of these workshops.

You can check out my webpage here to learn a bit more about the themes we will be exploring and what kinds of tools and techniques I will be offering as we endeavor together to become ever more engaged and fulfilled Artists of our own Lives and of the Life of the Universe.

And if you are already inspired to take this step forward towards creating a New Lens and a New Life for yourself in 2026, and beyond, you can sign up directly here. Please also send me an email to indicate if you intend to participate in person or online.

I look forward to seeing you there, and in the meantime, I wish you the very best for a beautiful and inspiring beginning to 2026!

Your Authentic Self

by Martha | Feb 10, 2019 | Blog, Holistic Counseling and Coaching, Love, Services

Hello everyone!

Even though we are now in February, Valentine’s Day is next Saturday and thus the theme of Relationship is on a lot of our minds, and in my October post I had mentioned that I would have been soon moving along in my exploration of the I- You relationship, I can’t help but continue along in my exploration of the first essential “piece” in any relationship – the relationship that we have with ourselves.

I can’t help but return to looking at the Authentic Self, what it is, what it means, and how we are called to connect with it. The other day a client told me “Authentic Self, ok, I get it …. or maybe I don’t! What IS the Authentic Self? What does it really MEAN to be AUTHENTIC???”

This got me pondering. I realized that while on the surface the answer can seem pretty straightforward, something like “to Thine Own Self be True” as Shakespeare’s Polonius pronounces in Hamlet when giving advice to his son (he was essentially telling his son to behave while visiting in the big city), if we look deeper we can see that it is not quite so simple.

The reason it is not as simple as “just behaving”, is because we are not such simple creatures. While there are certain general “rules” that apply to all of us, such as the need to eat healthy food, get enough rest, learn to have fulfilling relationships and develop meaningful engagement in life, the details of all these things can vary widely from individual to individual. The variables in what is good for our bodies, minds and souls can be quite profound, despite some commonalities we can have with certain groups of others. What is good for me, might not be good for you, and vice versa.

Add to this all those external factors, the circumstances and the people that have shaped us from our time in the womb forward, and we can see that being “true to thine own self” for most can be actually very challenging.

It often is not something that comes automatically; it requires that we make a decision to begin to discover first of all “who” we really are, and only then begin to also figure out how to express that authentic “self” that is lurking just below the surface, but is afraid to come out and show its true face, for fear of being ridiculed, abandoned, shunned, shamed or perhaps even more violently violated by those around.

For some, paradoxically, expressing oneself authentically might even mean breaking society’s most cherished rules; for others, it might mean accepting years of abuse and imprisonment, to achieve a huge goal that benefits all of humanity – such as with Nelson Mandela.

So, the fact of the matter is that while there are certain characteristics that can help us say – ah, yes, this is me being authentic, and this is how it shows up within me and in my life – it is, perhaps, one of the great paradoxes of human life that we are often deeply challenged to first discover who we are, how we function best, and then make the decision to begin to align ourselves with these inner truths, that can often bring us into direct contrast with what we have been taught to believe, about ourselves, about how life works, and all kinds of things.

Becoming authentic, expressing ourselves authentically, means also connecting with our Personal SELF, the “center of love and wisdom found within each human being”, as defined by A. Mercurio.

Our authentic, or Personal SELF is always nudging us towards deeper love and wholeness, and this can often mean first having to break through our conditioning, which can set off quite intense conflict, within ourselves and with those around us.

All of the religious and spiritual traditions of the world speak eloquently through their mythologies of the epic battles that must be fought so that a deep relationship can be forged between the I – the personality, also often known as the Ego – and the SELF (also called the Soul in some schools of thought), and indeed, when we begin to undertake the difficult task of really listening to its urgings, it can feel quite frightening!

However, those who have chosen to do so, and become willing to go through the discomfort that such change requires, often attest to the new dimensions of awareness and integration, to say nothing of the joy of discovering the deeper purposes of life, that can be achieved.

But, as I said, the process can be complex, and painful; it is not something that most of choose without having to face some inner and outer conflict. Rarely do people undertake a path of self-discovery when everything is going along just fine!

In fact, some of the signs that your authentic SELF is wanting to be acknowledged and integrated into your conscious reality are anxiety (fears and worries that may or may not be “real”, in the sense of connected to actual life circumstances of the moment), depression, certain physical illnesses and symptoms, excessive shame and guilt, conflict with others, excessive isolation, being accident prone, addictions to/compulsive behaviors around food and substances, money and property, people (love, approval, attention), prestige and the list goes on and on.

One of the less dramatic and painful symptoms, but nonetheless one to pay attention to, is just a nagging feeling that something is not right. Many people complain that even though they have gained all the money, recognition and satisfaction in their relationships they could possibly desire, they still feel that something is missing.

As you can see, in this view, almost all the things we can suffer from are connected to, on some level and to some degree of intensity, a problem with getting in touch with, acknowledging and expressing our “Authentic Self”.

Our Authentic Self, while deeply personal and unique, is also that part of us that connects us to the rest of Life, to the consciousness and the purpose of the Universe in which we live (however you may want to recognize that or call it).

As cells within various “lives” greater than our own little individual lives, we are a part of all life, and the way I imagine it, our Personal SELF is like a little spark that has inherent value, is influenced by the other lives and energies around it and in which it is inserted, and contributes to the wellbeing – or not – of these lives as well.

Whether or not we get in touch with our authentic, Personal SELF actually deeply influences the wellbeing of all levels of life around us.

When we are NOT aligned with our own individual purpose, when, due to our conditioning, we are following others’ plans and dreams for us, or are out of whack due to our traumas or lack of support in developing our ability to acknowledge and express that SELF, there is no way we can be at peace within ourselves and with others, or offer our unique contribution to the world in a way that is satisfying for us.

The SELF as a center of wisdom and love within us wants us to always be growing, becoming more deeply integrated, and connecting with others in creative, loving, life-giving ways.

The SELF does not expect perfection, nor does it consider anyone better or worse than anyone else. The SELF is relentless, however, in its goal for us – all of us, with no exception – to become ever more capable of loving ourselves and others, and of contributing to Life on many different planes with the authenticity of our own, personal expression, which is something that only we can bring into the world.

It seems to be kind of a paradox when you think of it, because if we are each just one tiny cell within the gigantic “body” of the Universe (or even just of the earth, or of our community or family), how could our own personal realization possibly have any meaning, or affect anyone or anything else, outside of our immediate sphere of influence?

Well, if you look at the human body, we can see how great an effect even one cell that is “off” can have on the entire organism. With cancer cells, for example, we can clearly see the devastating effects that one cell that is “off” can produce, by creating a sort of domino effect all throughout the body.

The same can be true of each one of us. We can either affect positively or negatively not only our own lives, but also the lives of those around us, and whereas I am not writing this to frighten or blame anyone, it is important that we become aware of just how important our own integration truly is, not only for ourselves, but to others, and to all of Life.

What is important that we become willing to acknowledge and accept, is that most of us have to make a conscious choice and an effort to first become aware of our Personal SELF, and then to learn to follow its urgings and nudgings, that are continuously being communicated to us, often through our bodies and minds, and experienced by us as some form of pain or discomfort.

Whereas we sometimes seem to believe that our “purpose” has to do with some hugely important accomplishment in the outside world, such as an important job or creative project, or having a particular kind of relationship or family, in reality the purpose of our SELF is something that is continually unfolding, day by day.

We are challenged in all kinds of situations to transform our emotions and energies; to shift out of automatic reactions that can do ourselves and others harm; to create new life, new levels of awareness and engagement within ourselves and with others, etc., etc.. And sometimes, the transformations we are called to carry out are quite the opposite of what we might think.

To be a bit more clear about this, let me use one example that has been very important for me to understand personally, and that I find many of my clients struggle with as well (both men and women, although for women it can often be especially tricky – but we’ll leave this discussion for another time): how to deal with the complex emotion of anger.

Most women have been deeply conditioned to not express anger of any kind, so, when their partner, children or anyone else does something that makes them angry, their first instinct is to repress this feeling. Now, while it is certainly better to repress anger than to lash out in a violent expression of it, the kind of repression that women often activate within themselves can be equally as dangerous, even though not as visible.

The inability to first acknowledge emotions such as anger, and then express them clearly and honestly in constructive ways to others – which means communicating our boundaries and limits, and therefore claiming our own “space” while asking others to respect that space – can often implode into not only depression, as is today commonly known, but can also become a literal wall that we build between ourselves and others.

Rather than allowing anger – which is often a signal that our boundaries have been infringed upon – to help us set things straight with those around us, it can wind up becoming a prison, for both ourselves and our relationships.

In this case, the repression of anger, which no doubt has helped us reign in our baser reactions and therefore has been an important aspect of our evolution and therefore of our Personal SELF’s goal for our individual and collective lives, can end up being an inhibition to the expression of that same SELF.

This does not mean that all control of anger must be thrown out the window and that we should just let it out and destroy ourselves and others, but it does mean that getting in touch with our authentic, Personal SELF involves also learning to become more flexible in how we are applying the rules and regulations of human relationships, so we can recognize what our real needs are, and begin to respond to them in healthy ways.

If we are to be authentic, we must learn how to express even the more difficult parts of ourselves, our shadows, our negative traits and our difficult emotions, not to be destructive, but to be real.

When we can give ourselves permission to be real, to acknowledge that we are not perfect, and that we like everyone else, suffer from all the human shortcomings in some measure, we can actually learn to harness the energy contained in them, to use it for useful purposes.

Anger, for example, is what signals to us that there are boundary issues with others, and it can help us find the energy to confront someone who is not treating us with respect; it can give us the impetus to speak up in our own or another’s defense; it can help shake us out of our lethargy and find the help we are needing to turn our lives around. So, rather than repress and deny it, we must learn to harness it, and use it in constructive ways (and A. Mercurio also has an interesting term for this, “the love force”, which is a combination of love and hatred, used for constructive purposes).

If we look at it in this manner, we can see how precious even a difficult emotion like anger can be, and we can learn how to use its energy to improve our lives. I know that as I personally have learned to utilize anger in a constructive way, all my relationships have improved, in the sense that I now feel truly authentic and whole when I interact with others. I can work through resentments much quicker, and let things go …. and I am also much better at being able to distinguish who is truly good for me in my life, and who it is better to keep my distance from, because there is just no possibility for a mutually enriching , truly authentic, exchange.

I also see how learning new strategies and tools to transform anger into a positive energy transforms my clients, which is even more thrilling. There is nothing more heartening than to see someone who has felt like a beaten-down wallflower step into a greater love and acceptance of him or herself, and begin to shine!

If you are feeling nudges from your own Authentic Self, or are wanting to learn how to express yourself in ways that feel freeing and empowering, open up to considering getting help in doing so. Often it is in the act of connecting to others who are just a bit further along the path that we can find the new information and support that we are needing to connect to our Authentic Selves and begin feeling the love and seeing the beauty that is already here for us to embrace.

Click here to get an idea of what kinds of services I offer and don’t hesitate to contact me today. As someone who has been walking this path for a while now, I know how important this journey is, not just for each one of us, but for all of humanity, and it is an honor to be able to help others and be of service to life by sharing a bit of what I have learned – and continue to learn from and with my clients – along the way.

My best to all and ….. till next time! Maybe in my next post I will finally get to the whole relationship-with-other-thing…. and maybe my new website will be finished, too! Miracles happen every day ….. 🙂

Much love,

Martha

Pain as a Cosmic Force ….. to Create New Love, Beauty, Truth and Freedom!

by Martha | Sep 1, 2015 | Holistic Counseling and Coaching, Choral Energy, Cosmoartistic Anthropology, Organismic Principle, Self-Love and Self-Care

Pain is a Cosmic Force, and it Serves to Create

(it really does, and if that sounds crazy, read on ….)

This has been an incredible summer for me, to put it mildly. Full of loss and cleansing and shifting …. and now, all kinds of wonderful, new things are emerging.

How are you? I hope you are doing well, and if you are one of the people who had a real time of it this summer, know that you are not alone …. and also, keep in mind that PAIN SERVES TO CREATE ….

I certainly had my share of pain, this summer. Of every type: emotional and spiritual/ existential during the time my mother was dying in June, and when she passed in my presence on July 3rd; physical emotional and existential pain when a strange birth defect that I knew nothing about emerged soon after my mother’s passing, requiring emergency surgery and the removal of a huge piece of my intestine; and more of a bit of everything, when I was challenged to undergo a major dental procedure, just a few weeks after my major abdominal surgery.

Even writing this out makes my hair stand on end! I can hardly believe that I have gone through all that – and all kinds of other trials regarding family of origin relationships and such – and am emerging not only intact, but more centered and joyful and grateful than ever before.

While I was going through all this I knew in my heart that I was being led through some important cleansing and shifting (I won’t go into the symbolism of all these “deaths” right now – my plan is to write about this over the next few weeks); but what kept me most in good stead was the question: “And what am I being called to create, from so much pain?!?!”.

This attitude, this way of looking at PAIN as a cosmic force that pushes us not only to be cleansed of our toxins and poisons – physical, psychological-emotional and spiritual – but to make new decisions to create love and beauty to the best of our ability, together with others one day at a time, has truly revolutionized my life over the last couple decades. I certainly saw how deeply it has shaped how I live today during the immense pain I experienced on every level over the last few months.

I am grateful every day to Antonio Mercurio for having introduced this new way of thinking, which is slightly different from thinking of pain as “just” being necessary for growth – because thinking of actually creating something from a painful experience is quite different from the idea of simply “growing”.

Even though our growth is good and important, creating something new means going a step further, and sharing that growth with Life and with others in a deliberate way. This opens up a whole new realm of possibilities, and also of creative responsibility, which are amazingly transforming in themselves. Never before have I been so intensely aware of these subtle, but fundamental differences in this approach, and so grateful to all those forces that brought me to bump into this school of thought all those years ago, and decide to train and specialize in it so I could share it with others.

Never before have I been challenged like I was challenged this summer to hang on to the tiller of my deepest values, and navigate the storm to the best of my abilities, without giving in to the fear and pain that was often shadowing my heart.

I am not saying that I have not had some really bad days, or still don’t have them, sometimes, as I am still dealing with some pain and limitations and conflicts. But when I remember that I am an Artist of my life, not a Victim, and I am learning every day new ways of loving and caring for myself and others and of receiving love, and am being called to practice this Fine Art of Living and Loving, even the bad days have a different feel to them.

When I tune in to the trust that all of this has a deep purpose for me, and is propelling me towards a new chapter in my life where I am now cleansed and liberated on many different levels, and therefore freer to create new Love and Beauty in my life and in the lives of others in an even more effective way, even the darkest fears and shadows cannot grip my soul or my psyche for too long.

And as the days have gone by, some of the New has begun to unfold around me, which is, of course, an expression of the New within me.

The most important is that I will be leaving for Italy on September 6th, and will be there for an entire month! I already had on my schedule the class I am teaching at the end of September for ISACA, the Institute in Puglia for which I am a Docent (and which I am twinned with, so as to share our strength and wisdom as we develop ourselves as Persons and Artists of our lives, and our training centers in Counseling in Existential Personalistic Anthropology and Cosmoartistic Anthropology); I teach at least one course per year for them, but usually do so at a distance, with videos and written materials and a Skype encounter with the classroom.

The Greek-Roman Amphitheater in Lecce, Italy – I have not seen this yet, and definitely plan to go!

I had played around with the idea of actually trying to go, to be able to teach the class “live” in September, but was not sure I was going to be able to swing it, as I wanted to get my own training program up and running, and a trip outside the country just seemed like trying to pack in too much for me at once.

Instead, while recovering from my surgery, I realized that what I really needed was to go back to my “other home”, Southern Italy, where I lived for 24 years, and where I began my life as a counselor in Existential Personalistic Anthropology/ Cosmoartistic Anthropology. I have not been back since I moved back to my “first home” here in Wisconsin in 2006 …. and during those days of deep reflection (nothing like almost losing your life to make you get in touch with what is really important!) I knew the time had come for me to go back.

As I began to put together the plans for my trip, I received another invitation to teach my class; this time at the IPAE in Cosenza, which is where I did all my education and training and began my personal path of self-discovery and development, 25 years ago! I was absolutely thrilled, and of course accepted the invitation with immense gratitude and joy.

A view of the statue of Bernardino Telesio - a famous Renaissance Philosopher and Theologian from Cosenza - with the Swabian Castle in the background — A view of the statue of Bernardino Telesio – a famous Renaissance Philosopher and Theologian from Cosenza – with the Swabian Castle in the background.

This is all bringing me deeply in touch with another aspect of the concept of Pain as a Cosmic Force that Serves to Create, and that is that this type of creation is something that is possible only through interaction with others.

In Cosmoartistic Anthropology, Choral Energy is the energy created when two or more people decide to evolve and create together, following the Organismic Principle, which helps us see how deeply interconnected we all are, and how important it is for us each to become Persons capable of loving and expressing ourselves as unique individuals, so we can contribute that uniqueness to the purposes of a larger creation, possible only when two or more come together.

When two or more people choose to participate in the creation of Choral Energy following the Organismic Principle – and this can happen in couples, friendships, families, business and educational and creative groups of all kinds – real Magic can happen! Many of us already experience this on some levels, in our personal or work lives, even though we may not use this language to describe it, or have a real awareness that that is what we are doing.

I personally believe that all of us, as human beings, have this deep desire within us – to become Individuals, capable of developing our own Truth, Love, Beauty and Freedom so that we can then contribute it to the development of the whole we are all a part of – but we are not necessarily aware of it. Often times our greatest suffering, alienation and violence towards ourselves and others arise from our feeling cut off and disconnected, from our deepest Selves and from others, but it is exactly this existential pain that can become the motor we need to search out new ways of thinking, acting and living, that can lead us forward to more deeply satisfying lives.

I know that this was the case for me – it was my feeling of being completely alone and cut off and surrounded by role models that simply did not convince me, either in my personal sphere or in the educational/professional sphere, that drove me to search and search, until I found a “home” where I could finally develop the values that were whispering to me …. all the way over in Southern Italy, of all places (and I have been asked many times to write of how I got there …. it could be that when I go back now, I will finally have the time and the right state of mind and spirit to do so …).

And here I am now, more than 30 years later, and going back to the land of my spiritual roots and first blossoms …. after having been completely focused on sorting out other aspects of my life, here in the land I was born and raised in, for the last 10 years.

I can sense that this is possible thanks to the kind of Choral Energies I today am a part of – my family comprising of my fiancé Jim and our wonderful children Sara, Francesco, Courtney and Alec; the projects I am a part of with my colleagues and collaborators in Italy, first and foremost Antonio and Paola Mercurio and the Sophia University of Rome and all the Centers and Institutes affiliated with it; Bruno Bonvecchi and Ombretta Ciapini of the IPAE in Cosenza, my first Teachers, as well as all of their Staff and students; Daniele Gabriele and Anna De Nitto of ISACA in Puglia, along with all their Counselors and students; and last but not least, all my wonderful clients, supporters, colleagues and friends here in the US , who have so enriched my life and have enriched me in more ways than I could even begin to describe.

All of this exquisite Choral Energy is now carrying me forward into new levels of creativity and expression, while also asking me to become ever more clear about how to take good care of myself.

Choral Energy requires the presence and participation of Persons – those capable of loving themselves, loving others and receiving love; and while it has its own characteristics that make it unique, it is not a type of group that wants its members to conform to a specific mold, as so many human groups tend to do.

Synthesizing opposites of this type – love and freedom, service and self-care, autonomy and interdependence, etc. etc. etc. – requires a profound decision and willingness to try, and try again and again, as Artists, who painstakingly work at their individual and choral masterpieces, day after day, correcting their mistakes as best as possible, so they can bring forth the greatest beauty they are capable of creating.

But while this does require some sacrifice for the individual – because when we work consciously together in groups, we are called to let go of many things, and cleanse ourselves of some of those poisons which most keep us from our common goal (such as our self-righteous pride, our envy and comparison with others, our greedy wanting more than our share of attention or resources, to just mention a few …. all things that we all are subject to, whether we are aware of it or not, and must be willing to look at, if we are to truly become capable of creating together) – it also means that as individuals we can access levels of sustaining and supportive energy that we simply cannot produce by ourselves.

As I was pondering whether it was wise for me to hop on a plane only a few weeks after having had major surgery, I realized (after getting the O.K. from the surgeon) that while on one level the invitations I had received to teach were opportunities to share with others some of the knowledge and wisdom I have gained over the years, they are also wonderful possibilities to connect with members of my “spiritual family”, and be nurtured by them, and reinforce our bonds while we have the opportunity to discuss and develop in person our mutual creative projects and goals.

Also, as I am planning on offering a full training program here in Existential Personalistic Anthropology and Cosmoartistic Anthropology, it will be really wonderful for me to reinforce my connections with those who already have fully functioning Centers and Institutes. From them I can receive guidance, ideas, and support, to finish putting together the Curriculum I will be offering, while also setting the stage for future collaborations.

This, indeed, is how Choral Energy works – we contribute to it, and we receive from it, just as the organs in the human body all give and receive to and from each other, to collaborate in the great work of art that is human life.

It is in this spirit that I am packing my bags and readying myself to go back to my “other home” after so long: with great joy, with a new and deeper sense of humility – because as I said before there is nothing like death, both when we lose someone dear to us and we are faced with it ourselves, to bring home to us what is truly important – and also with the clear intention to fill my tanks, so I can share all of the wonderful things I will be experiencing and receiving with others when I come back.

I also plan on doing some writing, and hopefully will be posting pictures and such along the way – if you want to travel with me, and virtually benefit from the Choral Energy I will be participating in, go to my Facebook page and like it (click here) ! I am not great with posting on social media, but I am going to give it a try !

I will also be more than happy to interact with you there, with questions and comments you may about my travels or the work in general.

I also want everyone to know that I will be continuing to work at a distance with individual clients via phone (there are simple apps you can use that are free to use and that I can explain to you – all you need is a computer and/or a smart phone); therefore, if you are wanting to work with me even while I am gone, don’t hesitate to contact me and we can set up an appointment.

My best to all and thank you for being in my life, and for inviting me into yours!

Expectations: how they shape us, and how we can transform them

by Martha | Apr 21, 2015 | Holistic Counseling and Coaching, Family, Parenting, Self-Love and Self-Care, Services, Tools, Training/Certification in Existential Personalistic Anthropology

Good morning, friends.

Today I want to share something I heard about a few weeks ago while in the car. I was listening to NPR’s This American Life and I heard a segment (click here to read the transcript of the show) about studies done on how expectations, how what we think of ourselves and others, can deeply affect and shape our lives.

In a nutshell, a research psychologist named Robert Rosenthal put labels on the cages of laboratory rats, to see what kind of effect they might have on the rats’ performance. On some cages he put signs that said “this is a very intelligent rat”, and on others he put signs that read “this rat is incredibly dumb” and things like that.

What he discovered was that the rats that were “labeled” smart did two times better in the laboratory performance tests than the ones that had been labeled “dumb”. Remember that there was no “real” difference between the rats. After just one week, the difference in performance was undeniable between the supposedly intelligent rats and the “dumb” ones.

What do you think? Is this little rat very intelligent, or very dumb? Or maybe he’s just average?! I think he looks quite smart, don’t you?!

Rosenthal went on to study this phenomenon in many different contexts, and his results became known as the “Pygmalion Effect”, taken from the title of the famous Bernard Shaw play that then became the hit play and movie, “My Fair Lady” (where a refined nobleman takes a lower class woman under his wing, and transforms her into a “lady” – if you haven’t seen Rex Harrison and Audrey Hepburn in the 1964 movie version, it’s a must-see in my book, with wonderful music as well!).

Rosenthal’s studies have been applied over the years to largely educational and sports contexts; they help teachers and coaches learn how to maintain positive attitudes and expectations towards their students and athletes, so they are encouraged to bring out their best.

As you can imagine, the ramifications of this effect are wide ranging. It perhaps has the most conditioning power, in both a positive and a negative sense, within the family, and most especially in the mother-child relationship (or the relationship between the child and the primary caregiver, although there is no doubt that the mother’s expectations towards her child are hugely conditioning during the intrauterine period as well).

How Expectations and Emotional Atmospheres Shape Our Experience of Life

What this all underlines is how important beliefs, attitudes, emotional and relational “atmospheres” and expectations truly are. This particular research and the insights it has brought about since it was first done in the 1960s can help us see how our early interactions with others formed the basis of our lives, of how we perceive and feel about ourselves, about others, and about life itself. (Today it is also seeing somewhat of a renaissance, thanks to how the awareness it offers can be a powerful tool in transforming racism and its nefarious effects on individuals and society as a whole).

Whether or not we are aware of it (and some assert that well over 90% of what truly is conditioning our responses and choices in life is determined by unconscious beliefs and “expectations”), we are deeply affected by what we think and feel about ourselves and what others think and feel about us; others are, in turn, also affected by our thoughts and “expectations” of them.

What Rosenthal understood in his studies is that when we have a certain kind of expectation towards another, we unconsciously act in certain ways, and communicate what our “judgments” are with non-verbal clues. He saw that the people caring for the rats did certain things (more gentle handling and voices) when they had positive expectations (believing the rat was intelligent), and other things (less handling time, less interaction in general), when the expectations were negative (believing the rat was dumb).

The NPR show goes on to tell about a young man who is blind, but who hikes alone in the woods, travels in foreign countries, and even rides a bike. (Again, here is the transcript and you really should go and read this, it is life transforming).

Why? His mother wanted him to have a “normal” life, and believed he could have one, despite having had his eyes removed as a baby, due to cancer. And not only did she want and believe this, but she encouraged him to believe it, too, not only by encouraging him verbally, but by giving him the freedom to figure out how to navigate the world on his own, so he could develop his own little “systems” that would allow him to know where he is and move through space safely (he clicks with his tongue and does other things, using sound to help him orient himself).

This combination of encouragement and freedom gave him the confidence and independence he needed to figure out his own way of interacting in the world, using his own innate abilities – something we all have to learn to do, to become healthy adults capable of enjoying our lives and of interacting with others in satisfying, productive and loving ways.

I am sure you have heard of other “miracle” stories like this – not least of which the incredible one of Helen Keller, a girl who became completely deaf and blind after an illness in childhood, whose teacher Anne Sullivan (whom her parents, and especially her mother, found for her) helped her find and develop a “voice” that would become an inspiration for generations of people all over the world. She was the first deaf and blind person to earn a Bachelor’s Degree, among other things, and her depth of intelligence along with her warm heart have left deep impressions on millions of people for over one hundred years now.

But while these wonderful stories of the amazing results positive expectations can have are truly inspirational and can help us be even more determined to think and act positively towards ourselves and others, they can help us become more aware of the devastating effects negative expectations can have, as well. Also, when someone is faced with evident physical disabilities, the obstacles they face and the effects of the positive, loving expectations of their families and mentors can be more obvious and measurable: as in the cases mentioned, these people managed to overcome barriers that are quite objective and recognizable.

You Think, Therefore I Am

It can be a little bit trickier when the effects have more to do with inner states such as self-esteem, emotional groundedness and connection, the cultivation of a talent (or not), or just a general ability to flourish in life and have fulfilling relationships. It can be harder to find where the seeds of negative expectations were planted and by whom, and how to dig them up so new, more beautiful and life-affirming ones can take their place.

Mothers and fathers and caregivers in general are simply people, as we all know, with their own stories, their own pain and insecurities and good and bad traits. Just because they have been granted the gift of parenthood does not necessarily mean that they are capable of loving either themselves or their children as unique individuals , which sometimes also means embracing huge differences in aspirations and temperament, and therefore of holding in their thoughts and their hearts positive expectations of them.

The thing about positive expectations towards those around us, and especially, perhaps, our children, is that if we have not learned to have them towards ourselves we simply cannot pass on what we haven’t got. We can pass on expectations to excel or to “become” something, in an external application of the kinds of competitive values so highly prized in society, but we cannot pass on the deep, authentic appreciation and support needed to help others Be, rather than simply perform according to external standards of achievement.

There is certainly nothing wrong with achievement in society – if it is in tune with who the person is. It is wonderful to see athletes compete at the highest levels, scientists pursue their research with passion and purpose and win the Nobel prize, administrators guide corporations with attention and pulse and earn big bucks, and painters paint their canvases with focus and creativity: each expression is “sacred” and a true work of “art” in its own way.

Each part, each cell, each expression is absolutely necessary and good in the organism that is the human family as a whole. The problems arise when we are not allowed or encouraged to express who we truly are, and so end up following a track that seems like the right thing to do because it brings us money and prestige and it pleases others, sometimes to the point of often not even knowing what we like to do, where we like to be, and with whom.

Why Being Real Matters

We can give a whole lot of lip service to being loving and supportive of our children and other loved ones, and of our students and employees and co-workers, but if we are not feeling good about ourselves and our lives, if we are living a lie, this is going to be a much stronger message, especially to our children, who can easily see behind the mask.

It will also add the heaviness of hypocrisy, which can truly weigh down and suffocate our deepest selves, because how can we transmit a love of life and an experience of the beauty of life, or primary beauty as A. Mercurio calls it, if we are not cultivating it ourselves? We can try to pretend that everything is ok, even for decades, but those around us know in their hearts that something is not right, and especially our children and those who are closest to us, because they “see us with the eyes of their hearts”, as I often tell my clients, and the heart is capable only of truth.

What this basically means is that if we have not learned to love ourselves for who we truly are, warts and all, or if we haven’t even yet embraced who we really are and what we really want to do because we are still living according to the expectations of others, we simply cannot encourage others and offer the kind of support and “positive expectations” that could help them flourish and create a flow of circular love and appreciation in their own lives.

I also believe that it is important to not just look at positive and negative expectations in a general way, such as in regards to intelligence, or talent, or what we are going to do for work.

It is important to become aware of how we can impose our own values, dreams and wishes on others, that might not at all be appropriate for who they are. This type of imposition not only negates the person in their authentic individuality, but it creates a “negative expectation” that can be extremely damaging.

I would dare to affirm that while positive expectations are of course generally good, in the sense that if we look at another and have a good feeling about them and “expect” them to be successful in life because we love them, if, instead, they are “positive expectations” regarding qualities or abilities that the other simply does not have, they can be disastrous.

When Expectations Run Deep

Another form of “negative expectation” can be connected to something even deeper; to hopes and dreams we have for ourselves, that we are wishing that others will fulfill for us. A particularly difficult example of this can be seen a parent is hoping a child will be of a certain sex, and comes out as the opposite (something way more common than most parents would like to admit).

Although we would never say it out loud, we can end up communicating our disappointment to the child with subtle, nonverbal clues all throughout the his or her life, creating doubt and insecurity with regards to their essential identity (not necessarily sexual identity in the sense of how the child will express their sexuality; the effects can actually go much deeper, creating doubt in terms of the validity of their existence, way before any kind of sexuality emerges).

The results of these deep kinds of thoughts and feelings, that sometimes are simply connected to personal desires and preferences (that each person has every “right” to have, in the sense that any mother has every right to “desire” to have a child of a certain sex), and that often hover just below the surface of our consciousness and can deeply influence other people, can be equally as disastrous as having negative expectations based on disabilities or differences. Another particularly tricky situation can arise when there are personality clashes and other situations where the child is simply not the person the parent was hoping to have as a child.

The same is true of all our relationships, including the one with ourselves. If you take an honest look at yourself, are there things about yourself that you simply don’t like? That of course can be perfectly normal – we wish we had brown hair instead of blond, were better at languages or math, or weren’t quite so challenged with directions. The problems arise when we see ourselves as lacking, when perhaps we simply have not had the opportunity to learn a new skill, or as flawed because of our difficulties, when instead we may be carrying wounds that need healing.

I would venture to suppose that parents who have a hard time having “positive expectations” towards their children that are an expression of an authentic recognition of the child’s personality and personal talents and gifts, are people who themselves grew up in an atmosphere where they were not recognized as individuals. The “expectations” they grew up with were either negative, or were geared towards trying to get them to become something that was “acceptable” to the parents, the family, society etc., regardless of whether or not it was something they truly were as people.

Therefore, these kinds of deeply conditioning “expectations” can be passed on through the generations, and they can be extremely difficult to first recognize within ourselves, and then to break out of. Indeed, these non-verbal, often unconscious expectations are the things that are most conditioning our lives all throughout adulthood, and can cause real havoc until we begin to understand what is going on, and begin to change the patterns of thinking and acting that keep us locked into ways of seeing and being that are not at all life-affirming for us.

Emanating-Love Suzanne Toro

When “Success” is a Mask for Failure …..

Paradoxically, often times those whom we see as being the most “successful” are also stuck in patterns of expectations, that may seem positive because they bring accolades and financial comfort, but in reality are huge burdens for the individual in question, because they are not in tune with the deeper purposes of their Personal Self.

When you see someone make a right-about-face at some time in their life, abandoning their previous track for something that looks quite opposite, you can rest assured that they have discovered that the expectations they thought were life affirming were in reality life-draining, and have found the strength and courage to make the changes that have been simmering under the surface for years.

But, let’s go back to looking to the problems that can arise when we have been conditioned by more negative forms of expectations towards us, since they can hinder our ability to live well and to enjoy life.

I can’t say it loud enough: if you often have negative thoughts about yourself, if you tend to struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and addictions, you quite likely have internalized some powerfully negative “expectations” of yourself.

Or, maybe you are not aware of any truly negative self-talk, but certain kinds of situations that cause you pain tend to repeatedly appear in your life – accidents, illness, problems with work and money – and you just can’t seem to understand why.

If these things sound familiar, it is highly likely that you have a deep pattern of expectations, that are creating specific results and effects in your life, even though you may have no clue that the “source” of these problems may be inside yourself, or even coming from the people around you.

Maybe they are things that you don’t think consciously, and have never been said out loud, but if you are struggling with your life and feel trapped by negative patterns, you can be sure that lurking somewhere is a deeply negative judgment of your person and your life.

Whether it is coming from you, or from those around you (and it is usually a combination of the two), the first step is to become aware of of what you are thinking and feeling, so you can see where your own power lies to be able to change it. Awareness is the first step, and from there you can choose to get the kind of help and support you need, so you can break out of it and create a new script for yourself, that honors who you are exactly for who you are and for the simple fact that you are alive.

Essentially, this is at the very basis of learning to love ourselves and care for ourselves in ways that are affirming of our individuality, of those special attributes and gifts that only we can add to the world. If we don’t become capable of first seeing ourselves for who we are, and deeply embracing our particular “self-ness”, our own special way of seeing Life and of interacting with it and enriching it with our transformational abilities and our ability to love, we cannot truly step into the life we are meant to be living.

Now, this all might sound very tragic and discouraging if you are currently feeling far from being able to realize your dreams, and there is no question that living in these kinds of existential prisons is excruciating (I know, I was there for a long time).

But there is no need to despair: when we do begin becoming aware of how we are stuck in our conditioning, whether it be due to an internalized script or to the negative influence of those around us who cannot see us and support us for who we are, rather than how they would like us to be, we can not only turn our own lives around, but we can become a positive, loving force for others.

Owning our Power: We Can Change Our Thoughts, Attitudes and Expectations About Ourselves and Others… but Not Alone

If you want some proof about this, about how powerful changing our thoughts and attitudes can really be, I want to invite you to try a little experiment.

Before I describe the exercise to you, however, I want to make a very strong statement, that I am firmly convinced about:

We cannot change our deepest expectations and convictions about ourselves without the help of other people. We need to be able to connect with the positive expectations of those who can see us in our wholeness and who can help us see our positive aspects and take action to nurture them. I am personally convinced that this is one of the reasons we are all here – to help each other grow into ever greater expressions of creativity, love, and beauty.

Therefore, if you are trying to change your life all by yourself, or think you “should” be able to “get it”, or that no one can help you …… try to open your heart and your mind to other possibilities. A new path, a new freedom, and a new wholeness are waiting just around the bend, but they require a decision from you to let go of trying to do it alone.

Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s get on to the tool .

Since it is often very hard to see changes in ourselves when they happen, but is instead relatively easy to see them when we are looking at others, I want you to try this experiment with someone in your life who is particularly difficult and troublesome for you, or who perhaps causes you a lot of worry because of the choices they are making in their lives. (This little exercise is particularly powerful with those who are closest to us, like our partners and our children, as we interact with them daily and therefore we affect each other immensely, in mostly unconscious ways).

First of all, I want to ask you to make a little commitment with yourself to suspend all judgment regarding this person for the next week. I want you to say to yourself: I will do my very best to not continue thinking about this person as I normally do, and just do this exercise, for one week.

Then, I want you to take out a little notebook, and put the person’s name up on the top of the first page (you may have more than one person with whom you have a difficult relationship with, but just start with one, so you don’t get overwhelmed and quit half way through. You can always then go and apply this experiment to others, once you have done it for at least one week, and have begun to see some results).

Under their names, I want you to write out as many positive attributes that you can think of regarding them. If you are particularly upset at this person right now, this might be difficult, but just try to remember that you are doing a little experiment, and so you will be willing to set aside your anger and hurt for just one week, to see what happens. You can even write just very simple things, like maybe you like the color of their hair, or the way they laugh.

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When negative thoughts about them push their way in, just push them aside, and finish writing at least 5 things you appreciate about them

Then, for the rest of the day, whenever you see them or think about them, try to remember the list you wrote out. Don’t tell them anything about it; just think about the things you like about them. If you want to compliment them and tell them that you like their hair or their laugh or the color they are wearing, that’s fine, but you don’t have to (also, you don’t have to keep this a secret from anyone, but it is generally more interesting and effective if you just carry out this experiment in the privacy of your own inner life)

On the second day, take out your notebook, and try to think of another five things.

Do the same thing each day for the rest of the week. Write down 5 things you appreciate about this person, and then, during the day, when you think of them try to recall your list.

As you go through the week, you can also take note of anything that might happen in your relationship with them, or of how you are feeling about them, if your feelings are changing in any way.

Essentially, there are two very powerful results that you can get from this exercise.

The Power and Beauty of Circular Love

One is that you will begin to feel yourself being softer and kinder towards the other person, and you will see them respond to this in positive ways. I myself have had huge turn arounds in very stressful relationship situations, and have seen communication start to flow after months of strife and conflict after doing this exercise for just one week! It is really amazing what you can discover, and also the change of heart that you will have also helps you soften yourself towards you, too, which in turn increases your ability to both give and receive love to yourself and to others.

It becomes a positive cycle that begins to repeat itself, rather than a negative one, and this can become the basis for a completely new reality, for yourself and your relationship.

When It’s Time to Let Go (and maybe get as far away as possible).

The other possible result is that you will discover that even though you are managing to discover positive aspects about the other person, there is something excessively rigid and fixed in the relationship, that just does not change. You may begin to see even more clearly where the other person is unreasonably self-centered, or perhaps even abusive, completely unable and/or unwilling to come half way to make the relationship work.

This exercise cannot transform people who have hardened their hearts, and who want to have all the power in their relationships (and whereas this might apply to those of us who are actually trying to do the exercise as well, because we can all become defensive and prideful, generally speaking, I would say it is safe to assume that those who take the time to do these kinds of exercises are willing to do some work and event to change, whereas the others in our lives might not be so willing to do so).

It is also important for me to make a statement here, regarding abuse: if you are in a relationship where you are being physically abused, you should seek out and get immediate help. Exercises like this, especially when done on one’s own, are not adapted to situations that are a threat to your wellbeing on a fundamental level.

This also applies to other forms of abuse, be it mental, emotional, or financial (yes, financial abuse, the use of money as power over others, is something to be aware of, as it is extremely widespread and pernicious, and it masks other, deeper patterns that must be transformed for us to have truly fulfilling lives).

If you suspect that your relationship has elements of being abusive, please don’t “just” do this exercise. Make a decision to get help right away, because although you cannot change the other person, you can change these patterns, and learn to step into a whole new way of living and loving that will bring you the joy you long for. (And I am offering a new group for women stepping free from abuse beginning in June, Phoenix Rising, with my colleague Jacqui Collins: click here for more information)

Next time I will continue with some more ways you can do some research about what the hidden expectations are that may be influencing your life, and, if they are negative and not life-affirming, how you can transform them and begin to step forward into the life you are longing for.

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The beauty of life is here for you, too – it is here for all of us, so, stay tuned for another post on this topic, with another great tool to help you along your way to love, health, happiness, prosperity, creativity, and meaning!!

My best to all –

Martha S. Bache-Wiig signature